Notes from a Recovering Anorexic 9.24.21

Give giving up a try.

That’s my advice for you today- Just give up. It’s like Nike’s slogan, but slightly less motivational.

To be clear, I’m not talking about giving up on your healing process or recovery. Besides, giving up on those things doesn’t always feel like giving up, does it? Eating disorders are weird like that. Getting back into the saddle often takes a lot of effort. Sneaking food into the garbage instead of eating it, coming up with a ready list of excuses why you’re not going to partake in a meal, finding ways to fight off fatigue and exhaustion throughout the day without replacing spent calories. Exercise addiction follows the same story. Yeah, it takes a lot of effort. But if you’re anything like me, you find comfort in that effort and security in those messed up rituals. Hard work doesn’t scare us- giving up does.

Because that’s when all the weight sneaks up on you, our brains tell us. When we become lazy, slack off, stop monitoring what we’re eating. That’s what causes you to wake up one morning no longer able to fit into any of your clothes. So we work harder and harder. Forever vigilant and forever dedicated to the maintenance of our bodies. And why shouldn’t we? Society celebrates hard work and fit bodies. People celebrate us when we forgo dessert and get in an extra run. So we remain alert. We do not back down. We do not give up.

And then life happens and you’re forced to choose between taking a nap to make up for the zero hours of sleep you got last night and getting your run in. Or maybe it’s between eating the ice cream your spouse bought for you and saying a gentle yet firm “no thank you” because it’s not your one allotted cheat day. Or maybe it’s between giving your toddler the attention he wants from you (and only you) and staring at yourself in the mirror, making a mental list of all the problem areas.

And what do I suggest doing in those moments? Just give up. I like to add a little flair by throwing my hands in the air in a dramatic fashion, just so everyone around me knows what a huge deal it is for me to be doing this. I suppose you could use the more poetic term, “Just let it go” as well, but telling myself to give up always adds just the right amount of levity to the situation for me.

I truly believe that God is a really active part of recovery. I also believe that he is not at all subtle when it comes to reminding us what’s really important. The bedsheets will be turned down and your running shoes will go missing. Your spouse will have found not only your elusive favorite ice cream flavor, but it was also on sale. God will even go as far as putting an adorable toddler with outstretched arms right in your path of going to go check your belly fat in the mirror for the fifth time that day.

And when that happens, when God give you what feels like more of a kick in the pants than a gentle nudge, do what I do. Take the nap. Eat the ice cream. Snuggle the toddler. Throw your hands in the air and give up.