Hey you! Yes, you! Do you find yourself living in a place where, for at least five months of the year, at least three of the following five scenarios occur:
- The sun, that you hardly ever see anyway, turns cold and useless and just hangs there in the stupid gray sky as you freeze your ass off.
- Your world loses all color. All that remains is 50 shades of dirty snow.
- A day with temperatures above freezing is such a rare experience that when it does happen, you start planning a day of outdoor excursions including strolls along the beach, patio dining at restaurants, and lawn games. All in shorts and a tank-top.
- Going outside in any capacity is a messy, wet, freezing, slippery, miserable affair. The air makes your lungs hurt just by breathing, your fingers and toes hurt just from existing and having the nerve to feel cold, and the tears you cry from the pain of frostbite instantly freeze on your cheeks.
- You wish the weather had a face so you could punch it repeatedly.
I’ve been running through hellish winters my entire running career and I still hate every second of it. I figure if I haven’t figured out how to enjoy it by now, I never will. So here’s some terrible winter running advice, because honestly that’s all I’m capable of offering.
Have a completely inflexible and rigid schedule
It’s extremely important to never deviate from your schedule written in permanent marker. It doesn’t matter if 30 degrees below zero, if it’s sleeting with 60 mile per hour winds, or it snowed two feet the night before. If the schedule says a 10-mile hill workout, you better make it happen. The icier the hill, the better.
Invest in tons of low-quality gear
You’ll want to fill your closet with plenty of bulky cotton sweatpants and sweatshirts. You’ll want to only wear running outfits that trap all the sweat so your clothes get increasingly heavier as the run goes on so you can sneak in a strength workout while having a marathon chafe session.
Act like you’re invincible
It’s literally impossible for you to fall on slippery ice. Black ice is a myth, anyway. Who ever heard of getting injured on frozen water? It’s just puny water, and you’re a mighty human! Run with abandon, run wild and free, run with your eyes closed on a busy road while running with traffic! The elements can’t possibly hurt you. Don’t let a couple of snowflakes turn you into a snowflake.
Take yourself very seriously
It’s important to track all your stats with unwavering devotion during the depths of winter. Abandon your job and your family to spend hours deconstructing how the weather affected each and every mile time. If you fall in the snow, do not laugh but berate yourself relentlessly. If you have to walk instead of run through a mountain of snow or down a slippery hill, punish yourself for at least a week by running outside without shoes. No mercy.
Complain about the weather constantly
Your friends, your family and your running buddies all love your complaining and can’t get enough of it. They need your pessimistic and obvious observations to realize the weather is terrible, to remind them that it’s below freezing! You’re doing great work. Never, never stop complaining.
That’s all the winter running advice you’ll ever need. Good luck, my fellow winter runners. Only, like, four more months of this…
